I accepted and received Jesus as my Lord and Savior as a child, somewhere between the ages of 10 - 12 I think. I did receive the Holy Spirit at that time. However, I turned my back on him, and even denied his existence for awhile. I had a very difficult childhood. I lived in a rural town where everyone knew everyone else, and everyone knew whose child you were. The maximum population of my school at any given time was about 500 kids. I was bullied by practically everyone I knee from the first day of kindergarten all the way through high school. Kids are cruel. Every day I was told what was wrong with me (stupid, ugly, bad teeth because of an overbite, crybaby because I was sensitive, annoying, etc.). If I had friends, they were few. A couple of teachers even joined in on singling me out and bullying me. In addition to this, my life at home was turbulent. My parents had separated when I was 7, and my sister and I took it hard. So hard, that my parents ended up reconciling for our benefit probably about 10 months later. My parents fought all the time. My dad was manipulative and abusive both physically and verbally. I was about 14 the first time he put me up against a wall with his hands around my throat. I can’t even begin to tell you how terrifying it is to be put in that position by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally and care for you. I had no privacy. My dad walked around naked all the time. My sister and I would be in our room with the door closed, and he would fling it open and just stare at us without saying anything while he was drying himself ofd with a towel because he had just gotten out of the shower. On at least three occasions, my mother would go into our room (which was messy) and throw out all our stuff while we were at school. I couldn’t even tell my parents what was happening at school because my father would fly to the principal’s office and make a scene, and then the retaliation from my tormentors would get even worse. My sister would hit me, and she also told me “nobody likes you. I have more friends than you. I’m more popular than you.” In high school, I would just be walking by her and her friends in the hall just trying to get to my next class, without looking at them or saying a word to them, and she would say “go the f!&@ away, Becky. Nobody wants you here.” I was isolated, I had no one to talk to, and nowhere to find peace. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I wanted to die. I wanted it to end. I honestly can’t tell you how I made it through my childhood alive. Then my parents’ divorce happened while I was in my senior year of high school. Long story short, my mother was away for work, my father got into a spat with my sister and kicked her in the leg while she was in the phone with a friend, and then he yelled at her and complained about how my mother didn’t love him anymore and wouldn’t get physical with him anymore, and I don’t remember what else. As you can probably imagine, he had a very volatile temper, and we were scared to be at home alone with him. He went to bed because he worked nights at the time, and we hightailed it out of the house and stayed with my aunt that night. The next morning during a band lesson, my conductor made the decision to give a solo I had been in charge of to someone else, which wasn’t a big deal in itself, it was just at the wrong moment. I broke down, ended up telling her what had happened, and next thing I know I was spending a good part of my day in the guidance counselor’s office. My mother, who was in training for a new job in a town 40 minutes away was contacted, and she wouldn’t let my sister and I stay with friends, so she started coming hime every night as of that day. The second she stepped through the door, my dad said “I’m moving out this weekend, and it’s her fault” while pointing at me. Then the harassment began. He started calling the house every day at 7 am, and yelling at my mother over the phone. I was in a position where I was able to skip the first period and the third and fourth period of one of my class days. I would be in the shower getting ready to go to school for second period, and my dad would come in the bathroom and try to get information out of me, and blame me, and get me upset before I had to go to school. When I got out, I could expect more harassment. I almost failed my english class and didn’t graduate because I was under too much stress and couldn’t focus in my reading and journal assignments. So we had to go to court and get a restraining order. My sister went nuts during this time and sided with my father, which is highly ironic because she got more of the abuse from him than I did. She was horrible to my mother, and even attacked me one night when I tried to defend her. The whole affair was ugly. I didn’t talk to my father for three years because I had to do it for my sanity, and I needed him to know that I wasn’t going to allow him to treat me the way he had been anymore. I graduated from high school, and life got a little better. Two significant things happened in my 20’s. The first was that I was daring and living with a guy named Jason, who overnight one day stopped paying attention to me. I was so hurt with him and miserable without him. It was not a good place. When he broke up with me, I literally felt my whole world shatter to pieces and I fell to rock bottom. I knew at the time there was something he wasn’t telling me, and I told him that, but he kept his silence. He was 25, and I was 21 or 22. A year later I found out that he left me to date a 16 year old junior in high school, that everyone I knew knew about it, and that they all kept it a secret from me because he asked them not to tell me. It devastated me in a way I can’t explain. It was the second time in my life I wanted to die. I drove recklessly and even hit a deer at 2 am one night and came out of it with no injuries. The second thing that happened in my 20’s was that I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at the age of 27. I started missing work, and losing money because of it, and went through a foreclosure of a house that I had built a year earlier. I had been moved out of state for my then fiance’s job promotion, and we had to make the choice to either be homeless and pay the mortgage, or let the house go and pay our rent. It was a difficult time. To wrap this up, things have continued to be hard. I developed more health issues, and my husband and I both became disabled. I had a return to acknowledging God exists along the way, but I was more agnostic. I really started praying in December Of 2020. I bought a bible in late August of 2021, and read it in 3 - 4 weeks. I started working on forgiving every hurt I endured and scar I developed. Around September 22nd of 2021, I was working on the last bit of unforgiveness. As I was sitting in thought, I felt the hand of the Lord reach into my heart and pluck out the last stone, and I felt my heart transform. It was at that moment I became all in for God. Looking back knowing what I know now, I see that he was always there guiding me, nurturing me, molding me, shaping me, protecting me, and loving me. He was the one who gave me the thoughts of encouragement to go on. He was the one who kept me safe when I hit that deer. The deer in Maine where I lived are very big, and hitting one can easily result in serious injury and even death. I was driving at 60 miles per hour when I hit it.
So much more has happened for me in the way of trials. Too many to count or to spend time going into those instances. There is only one thing that matters: God has healed and saved me in every possible way in the last 60 days. Even shorter really. I can never deny him again. I can never go back to the way I was before. He is my refuge, my sanctuary, my redeemer, my Lord and Savior, my father, and my friend. He is in the very air I breathe. I am fortunate to be able to feel it when he surrounds me with His love, and it is so sublime it can’t be adequately explained. His words to me are so loving and tender. I can see now that I have been blessed by Him in so many ways, and I am eternally grateful. I understand that all my trials have been for a purpose he has been preparing me for that I don’t know yet, and I am so thankful for them. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am, I wouldn’t be where I am, and I wouldn’t have found Him. He pulled me back to Him. It took me 42 years to truly find God, and I am forever changed. I am thankful to be here at this moment in time to witness His imminent return. I am so thankful He woke me up.
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